bf1989

I survived this week. And it was a good week. I felt kinda bloated from “girl reasons” but its over for now and I am feeling good. My green smoothies have also been helping me a lot. Who needs activia? Green smoothies work much better for aiding digestive health. My skin is also much clearer. I normally break out horribly due to my “girl reasons” but this time I barely broke out at all. It was really awesome.

So, I am still working on exercising more. I really need to get over this hump before I can start to lose weight seriously. I don’t so much have a plan because I am so indecisive. I want to start that 8 week running program with a weight routine I picked up from The New Rules of Lifting for Women. (Seriously, pick up this book. It is informative and awesome. ) But I also know there will be days where I want to do Taebo or the elliptical. One thing that makes me hesitate from the first option is the fact that I need to buy heavier weights and possibly a bar bell. Expensive!! You have to constantly challenge your muscles so you can’t stay with one particular weight throughout the whole program. I would rather buy the new Taebo videos for $25.

My first weigh in since joining is on wednesday and I am afraid to admit that I will probably disappoint myself. However, going into wednesday I am keeping in mind that I am not perfect and that this process will take a while. There will be good and bad times, but I need to just keep the good times in mind and keep moving forward.

So, today was an okay day. I went to bed at 10 last night, slept till 9 a.m, went back to sleep at 11 and slept for an hour and a half. Then I had to take a shower and get ready for work. I didn’t workout at all!! I didn’t get off of work till 10 tonight. And there is no way I can workout that late. 

I am pretty much in the experimental phase of my “healthy lifestyle”. I thought I could make a plan and stick to it but life is hectic and unpredictable. No way you can plan for it. My biggest problem right now is exercising. I am in a funk and I can’t get out of it. So, for now, I am going to hold myself accountable to exercise every other day. On my off days I can exercise, but I don’t have to. I am going to stop obligating myself to exercise so many days a week because right now it makes me hate exercise.

I have been doing really well on eating. Today is day 8 of my green smoothie challenge. Some days they are okay, some days they are not so good and other days they are awesome. When it comes down to it, I just need a new blender. I have noticed I have a decrease in my craving for sugar. But thats about it so far. I am waiting for the other mentioned benefits to start happening! lol

For the past two nights I have not felt tired till around 2 a.m and I wake up around 7 or 8 voluntarily. And I am unable to go back to sleep when I wake up. This really messes with me because then I am tired throughout the day at work and I don’t have a lot of energy to do my workouts. It is like I am just dragging myself through it. I am definitely going to try to make myself go to bed by 11 p.m tonight. I can’t continue with this insomniac behavior.

Other then the sleeping problem, today was a good day. I started day 1 of the 30 Day Shred. I am planning on doing ten days on each workout level. Although I have done level 1 workout before so it wasn’t as challenging today so I might do less days on that level. I was watching some documentary last night sbout runners preparing for the Chicago Marathon. 26.2 miles!!! I can’t imagine running that much. But I want to one day. That documentary gave me the urge to start running. Do something better for myself. I can definitely make running and participating in marathons my hobby. What a healthy hobby at that. I printed out this 8 week program to get a feel for running. It goes from running/walking to full out running for 30 minutes. From there, I can just add distance. I used to run about 2 years ago and I loved it. I was up at about 5 or 6 a.m just jogging. It’s good personal time to think and jam out to good music.

Yes, I made a cookie cake from scratch today. No occasion, I was just bored. And it is a great way to test your self control. I didn’t taste anything and I haven’t eaten any. I won’t eat any either. It’s amazing how good I feel every time I pass by it and now that it won’t be going on to my hips because I can say no.

Today started off a bit rough but it is getting better. I woke up with a sharp pain in my knee from God knows what, so I couldn’t walk but limp all morning. It was pretty intense pain. I’ve never had or heard of a knee cramp but I figured that what it could be. It kind of scared me so I decided to not work out today just in case and make Friday a workout day instead.  I have planned out around 1200 calories today, and so far have been following it well. I love planning what I am going to eat the night before…makes life a little easier.

I just realized I have to start over with everything. The level of fitness I am on, the number of calories I can eat. I can’t ever be the same as I was before. And I don’t know that I want to be exactly the same. I loved feeling skinny but I hated feeling like a failure once I got to 1200 calories. My goal now is to be healthy, not just skinny. 

I was doing my Tae Bo tape today and found it harder to get through the whole thing. Before I would have gotten through it quite easily. I then understood that I am starting all over again and I will have to work my way up to an intense workout. Slowly, but surely.

So, today I made my green smoothie for about the fourth day. I found that my blender has a low and high speed button, which I hadn’t realized before. I felt pretty stupid until I looked over and saw my sister trying to cut into something with a spoon. Anyway, I made my smoothie and it was the best one so far. The high speed definitely blended up the spinach and collard greens a lot better. I ate around 1200 calories today. I did get about 30 minutes of Tae Bo in but I got a really bad cramp in my side. I tried to go on but I kept bending over in pain. I decided to not push myself and just make sure I get in a good workout tomorrow.

I want to start working out first thing in the morning before breakfast so I need to get motivated to start doing that. Once I get my self in a sleeping schedule I can probably obtain that goal faster. I went to bed around 2 last night, only having 3 hrs of sleep the night before and I wasn’t even tired when I went to bed last night. Too many naps after early shift at work have messed with me. The nap are going to stop though.

Well, today was a good day overall. I resisted the coffee cake on the counter and the rice krispies my sister made. Today was a success.

At work today I had a lot of thoughts. I won’t share half of them because they are demeaning and very negative. The good thing is that I took those negative thoughts and made them into positives. The fact that I think of April being so far away makes me want to just give up but April is coming whether I am reach my goal or not and I want to greet April as a brand new person. So, I am going to take everyday as it comes. I will not worry about tomorrow until it comes. Focusing on the day at hand will allow me to be the best and will also prevent me from becoming overwhelmed. I have always been somewhat of a “worry-wart”.

I kept thinking about how much I want to lose and the deadline I have set for myself. By April 28, 2010 I want to lose 30 to 40 pounds. Well that is about nine months away. Even if I only lose four pounds a month I will lose around 36 pounds. If I lose 8 pounds a month I could lose up to 72 pounds. Well I don’t need to lose that much anyway. So, I decided 5 pounds a month will be sufficient enough. I HAVE TO  lose atleast that much a month. And in reality, it is so achievable. That’s like 1 to 1.5 pounds a week.  Losing just the minimum of 1 pound a week, I will reach my goal by my birthday. Knowing that, sticking that thought in my head and absorbing it, made me feel so motivated. It gave me encouragement. To do that though, I HAVE TO start today. Which I did. The only bad thing I did today was drink a diet dr. pepper. I know, bad vanessa. There can’t be any room for mistakes. I know that a lot of people love the whole “everything in moderation” mantra but with my personality it would never work. Atleast, not while I am losing weight.

So, everything bad for me is off limits.

For now:

• ice cream
• coffee
• sugar free hot chocolate
• dark chocolate
• popsicles
• my beloved organic clif z bars
• boca burger

Off limits forever:

• junk food
• fast food
• cool whip
• diet soda
• any food that is way too processed or has HFCS

I know a lot of people won’t agree with a “banned” food list but this is how I work. I posted in my last post how I will deal with cravings. I have one to add though. Write down your craving! It really helps. I write down everything I want to eat but know I shouldn’t. I stare at it and think of all the calories that is in the  list of foods. Then below it I write my goals of weight loss and how all that food will push me farther away from reaching my goal. It really works, I just need to make it more of a habit. I give in too easily and hopefully this will help stop me. Celery is also a craving killer.

For exercise, I will do whatever I can and push myself to the max. I want to do the 30 Day Shred. And after that I will do Tae Bo, run, jog, elliptical…anything and everything that burns calories and gets my heart rate up. Why limit myself? I would love to become a cyclist but they are so damn annoying on Sunday mornings and I don’t want to be annoying. My exercise goal is to workout consistently 3-5 days a week and constantly challenge myself. If I start to find jogging for 30 minutes to be comfortable I need to push past that comfort zone. Only in challenging my body will it change.

For nutrition, I am going to incorporate a green smoothie into my day every day. Salads will be a big staple, as well as fruits and vegetables. My nurtition goal is to become a vegetarian. It’s a personal choice. I will get my protein from tofu, beans, string cheese, cottage cheese and yogurt. I also need to become aware of when I am eating and why. I will eat every 2 to 3 hours. It sounds easy enough but when you throw in work and school, eating on a schedule gets pushed to the back of things to do. I will, however, try my hardest.

I set a mini goal on this site for 145 pounds, which I will reach by the end of this year. My ultimate goal is 120 pounds which I want to reach by my 21st birthday. I would be happy to be 125-130 lbs though. I want to look healthy this time, not sickly thin like before. My calorie goal will be around 1300 for days I do not exercise and 1500 for days I do exercise. I won’t ever force myself to eat when I don’t want to though. I will make sure I always hit atleast 1200 calories yet make sure I do not surpass 1500 because I am bored and want food. Water will also be a big contributor to helping me lose weight. I personally love water, so it shouldn’t be that hard to start drinking more!

It always helps to achieve a goal with a few incentives. Well, everyday week that I go with healthy eating and exercise will equal $7. By the end of this adventure I could rack up a lot of dough I can use to dress up my new bod with  better clothes. Plus, I can say I truly earned it. I also want to do it by the pounds.

• 160= mani/pedi
• 150= rollberblades
• 140= new, nice blender
• 130= new piece of jewlry
• 120= shopping!

I have been wanting rollerblades for a while because they burn a good amount of calories and who doesn’t love rollerblading? I need to earn them though. The incentives get pricier as I lose more weight, which will make me want to lose weight all the more.

I know this won’t be easy. I have not given myself room to fail though. I created this mess for myself and now I am going to get myself out of it.

Why do you hate me so much? Why don’t you listen to me? I know what is best for you but you ignore me everytime. And now you feel miserable, unattractive and ugly. If you had listened to me in the first place then all of this could have been avoided. You wouldn’t be sitting around all day sleeping and watching T.V. You would be out with your friends and family, having fun as a 20 year old woman free from any responsibility. You would allow yourself to have a boyfriend. You wouldn’t be afraid to go out and show yourself to the world. Well, self, you have been doing things all wrong for the past year. It is time to change.

Instead of focusing on how long it will take to lose all this weight you decided to put on, focus on the day at hand. Otherwise you overwhelm youself. Everyday needs to be a nutritious one. Give your body the energy it needs through wholesome foods. You have a list of approved items to eat. Stick to it! As for exercise…stop being so damn lazy! You didn’t lose 30 pounds before by sitting on your butt all day. You exercised whether you had to get up at 5 a.m to run or could wait until after school to do Tae Bo. No excuses. The key is to get it over and done with. Focus on setting a challenge for yourself and conquering it. Your also not in high school anymore. You set your own schedule for school now and it gives you much more flexibility for penciling in exercise.

Self, I just want you to be happy. I hate seeing you  look in the mirror and hating your reflection. Feeling one moment that you have all the strength in the world to lose this weight and then the next moment feeling self defeat as you spoon ice cream into a bowl.

The thing you must keep in mind is where there is a beginnng there is always an end. The only bad thing is that there is no rule saying how long it will take to reach the end. I know you have the self control and motivation to lose this weight. You just aren’t using it. There are so many things you are holding yourself back from because of your weight.

In the end, this isn’t about how you look. It is about your health. You are overweight and if you continue to act the way you do with food you will become obese. This is about heart attacks, no the size of your pants. Your biggest vice is sweets. However, you don’t enjoy them. You don’t even really taste what you are putting into your mouth anymore. It is as if you merely eat the junk food just to eat it. Just because it is there and available. Well STOP IT!! Eating that “food” isn’t doing you any favors.

Next time you are tempted you are to:

• Drink a big glass of water
• Eat a small salad
• Eat some protein
• Go away from the kitchen!!
• Keep your goal in mind.

Self, you know what you need to do to lose weight. STOP SABOTAGING YOURSELF. In the end this isn’t about what people think about you at work or at school. This is about how you feel about yourself and how you want to live your life. And I know you don’t want to live life as a person who constantly hides from the world.

Today is August 1st. You have 8 months to lose fourty pounds. It is totally possible and you are going to accomplish it. Through hard work and dedication. There is no room for slip ups. So get that out of your head. You are now on a mission to get healthy and get the self confidence to live your life. Otherwise, what a waste.

Every month there will be a loss of 4 to 10 pounds. No exceptions. There will be weight loss with diet and exercise unless there is something wrong with you. If you have not lost eight to ten pounds by the end of september then you need to see a doctor.

Self, I believe in you. I know you can do it. Just have some faith. Tackle everyday as if it were your last. Give it your all and don’t let yourself down.

I have had many moments since gaining 50 pounds where I look at myself and say “This is it. No more junk food, exercise more, just say no to cravings”.  Then, the next day I manage to take one look in the pantry, see the Oreoes and 5 mysteriously disappear from the package. I have had this happen alot. When I am looking at myself I feel I have these revelations when they aren’t. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I have done it before. It isn’t that hard, yet I continue to make it difficult. If I had stuck to eating healthy and exercising in January of 2009 when I told myself to lose weight then I wouldn’t be in this situation. I would have lost probably all the weight I gained by now. Well, I am going to make a promise to myself on this blog that by my next birthday I will have accomplished my goal. I will not be in April of 2010 and still be the same weight I am now. No more excuses.

8 months is more then enough time to lose 40 or 50 pounds. Today is day one. Day one of many days to come. Every day is a chance to succeed and prove to myself that I am worth it.

So, I was craving Taco Bell and ice cream. Against my better judgement I went to get my lottery ticket tonight and somehow wound up in the drive thru of both Taco Bell and Culver’s. Yes, I know…I am disgusting. And also very stupid. I knew that I should’ve just stayed at home but I went out anyway.

No food is ever as good as you want it to be when you know you shouldn’t eat it. It was all gross. Six bucks down the drain. That could have bought ingredients for my green smoothies. I want this lesson to be learned once and for all. No good comes from enjoying food for “one last time”. It isn’t as if I am leaving the earth to go on this healthy life style. Ice cream, Taco Bell, all of it will be starting at me in the face every day until I lose all this weight. And it will tempt me after I lose weight. I need to realize that no good comes from consuming any “food” that comes from any of these places. Ben and Jerry, Starbucks, Bluebell, Taco Bell, etc., don’t have my best interest in mind. They just want my money. And while they collect my  money, I collect a one way ticket to obesity.

I really do not know why I give in. In my mind I know that I do not need this food. But something in me craves it. I read once that a craving lasts no longer then 20 minutes. Well, my craving for Taco Bell and ice cream went on for a few hours. I know I can be stronger then a craving. I proved that to myself these past two weeks. I guess, I still see the skinny Vanessa. I know she is here somewhere. I just keep piling high calorie tacos and junk food on her to cover her up. I wonder if I will ever be healthy. When I was 115 lbs everyone thought I was healthy. I wasn’t though. Not mentally or physically. Now, Im still unhealthy mentally and physically, yet I just went in the opposite direction scale wise.

As of right now, I am the only one holding myself back. It is unacceptable and stops right now. I am not going to let food take control of my life. I want to be healthy and confident. I won’t lie…I also want to look hot and feel sexy. Next summer, I am going to walk outside in shorts and a tank top and feel nothing but confidence. I will not hide my body.

If I want to accomplish that, I need to start making good choices now. I know I don’t like how I feel and look right now but I need to use that to harness energy for my workouts. Use my anger at what I have done to my body to motivate myself to say no to that donut or push myself an extra ten minutes at my workout. I still have my skinny Vanessa mentality. I need to get into my weight loss mentality. From here on out, I am to focus on weight loss. I know its selfish, but it is the only way it will get done. I come first.